This past weekend was supposed to be the Ironman Lake Placid and I am disappointed and frustrated not to be up there.
Like many folks, this year has thrown me for quite a loop. The pandemic. Civil unrest. Health situations and nagging injuries. Fitness has slipped. Almost every event and plan has fallen through for one reason or another. Hell, even the DIY events I have been trying to do have not panned out the way that I had hoped.
All of these things have compounded and honestly have lead me into some dark places mentally. I am spending a lot of time focused on all of the bad things going on, which in reality are out of my control. I hit my lowest point last week. I did not want to talk with anyone, including my family and closest friends. All I was doing was working, riding my bike, tending the garden, and drinking beer at night. No motivation, just sustaining what was necessary. One night riding back from the garden, I sat down on a bench looking over the Potomac River. It was that beautiful time of night right after sunset, when the sky is just full of colors. The birds and bats were catching bugs and I think I saw a fish jump. I just sat there trying not to think as it got darker, and asked myself:
What the fuck are you doing?
At that moment, I realized I am the source for a lot of the bad things I am feeling right now. I am focused on things I have no control over. What had happened to my positive mental attitude? That was the first tattoo I got when I was barely 18 and was so proud of it back then.
I thought of a spoken word I heard somewhere that said, what happens if you are your best self for 90 days? 180 days? A full year. Where would you be at the end of that time? What if I stay focused on the things I can control with a single goal on where I want to be.
One year (fingers crossed and we are in a different place than we are right now) from now will be the 2021 Ironman Lake Placid. Sounds like a good target to me. Hopefully the ride becomes a little less bumpy, but might as well try to enjoy it a little more.
Who’s got that attitude?